Breaking point

I am not sure if every person has a breaking point – a time when they just feel defeated. But if such a thing exists, then either I have reached that point or somewhere close to it. September is usually a month that I look forward to. It’s the month of celebration since my birthday, my son’s birthday and my brother’s birthday fall this month. Not this time.

On September 2nd, my son started having cold and later that day he was having temperature. I gave him the usual medicines but it did not seem to work. He also started having cough. On September 4th, I took him to the doctor who gave him antibiotics and syrup for cough. On September 5th, he started having vomiting and loose stools and during night he was struggling to breathe. I took him again to the doctor on September 6th and the doctor had one look at him and said he had to be admitted. He had got a severe respiratory infection and his chest was infected.

It has to be the worst feeling to see your active kid with an IV injected lying on bed with trips and looking dull. He was on trips for four days. Every time a doctor or nurse came, he started crying. He was just so scared to see new people who came and gave him injections and medicines and I am sure IV would have also given pain. He looked confused unable to understand what everyone was doing and hence could not cooperate with them. Finally after a series of antibiotics and medicines and nebulisation, he was discharged on September 10th at 8:30 p.m. He had to undergo nebulisation for a week and hence hospital visits continue.

In between all this, I caught his infection and was having a pretty bad cough and cold. I could not take any medicine since I was afraid it would make me sleep. I had to be awake to ensure he did not shake his hand during the night. All in all, a real tough scenario.

The reason why I think all this has made me feel defeated is:

1] All this has meant I could not take him for any therapies for last two weeks and I am not sure how much of an impact this would have.
2] After struggling for almost 2 months, he was saying a few sounds. But after this entire hospitalization episode, he is not saying any of those except “dha”.
3] I was potty training him and all my effort has gone waste since he was on diapers during hospital stay. In addition, he also has rashes.

I truly feel defeated. As if there is someone above who wants to see how much can I take and is consciously making my situation worse.

The only positive in all this is that my dad and mom came immediately to help me. I called my dad and told him that the doctor has asked to admit my son. His immediate response was, “Admit him, I will be there as soon as possible.” And then he cut the call. What would I do without such loving parents!

My mom’s world

As with most daughters, I was and am attached to my dad. I love him, respect him, and adore him. He is truly my hero. He is one of the very few people whose company I enjoy. Of course, just like everybody else he has his own share of negatives. But once you love someone so much, you learn to overlook those.

What about mom? Well, I was never close to my mom. I don't know why. I love her and would do anything for her. But, in case I had any problem, let me say mom was not the first person I would go to. I was actually slightly afraid of her. I was never able to appreciate her emotions and thoughts. To be honest, there were days when I thought my mom was lucky to have my dad as partner.

But all this changed once I got married. It was truly a revelation for me. I understood my mom better. I got a view of how her world should have been in the past. For someone who came from a financially weak family, who had lost her father a year before her marriage, and who cannot go back to her mom because the family was already struggling, marriage should have posed quite a few challenges.

She had to take care of my dad's two younger brothers. One of the brothers had a few medical problems so she had to prepare separate dishes for him and the rest of the family. She had to wake up at 4 am to complete her chores. Those were the days before phones became part of house hold. So, with no conversation or very little conversation with the family, I can understand how lonely she would have felt. Add to it, her MIL and SIL were not very supportive. She was always looked down because of her financial status. She never raised her voice and was afraid of every one of them. My dad was her only pillar of strength.

I guess all those years of untold loneliness and sorrow was probably the reason she became very vocal later on.

This year Lord has been extremely kind and has blessed me with the opportunity to experience motherhood. Last few months as I am getting ready to become a mom, I understand my mom so much better. Much better than all those years I stayed with her. I am seeing a different side of her – of a practical woman.

As I struggled in the first few months of pregnancy, my mom was with me giving me physical and emotional support all the way. Whenever my dad overreacted on any issue because of the love he had for me and it was difficult for him to see me struggling, she would keep her cool and ask me to ignore his comments. She was the practical woman.

She would tell me incidents of how things happened during her pregnancy, how she had to wait until the 9^th month to go to her mom's place, how my dad reacted when my brother and I was born (looks like his initial reaction of a girl was not a happy one :) I guess he knew that his boss has arrived :)), how she managed all alone with no support, how she would catch a bus and go for monthly check ups alone and many more. All these stories made me truly realize how much she had endured all her life.

After I was born, my mom's younger brother and sister also stayed with us. Mom had taken the responsibility of getting them married to good families. My dad's brother also got married. All these marriages meant there was not much of savings in the initial years. So, from the time we were born, mom and dad sacrificed a lot. They have never spent anything on themselves. They saved every single penny to give us good education. That was their only motto.

Today, though we are in a financially better position, my mom fights for every single rupee that is spent. My brother mostly will be the target. Visits to the theatre, CDs, outside lunch are all ways of wasting money, as per my mom. Given her past, we understand her mindset.

But what hurts me most is sometimes when her innocence comes out. Whenever she asks for cone ice cream, or when she buys some cosmetics, or when she asks for some books, moments like these makes me realize how many years it has taken for her to experience the smallest desires of her.

Mom, I truly understand your struggles and their effects on you. I hope to fulfill every single wish of yours. Love you…!

And Dad, you are lucky to have mom with you. Today, your brothers and sisters are proud of you and us because of mom. Stop fighting with her. :)