Mirroring me

Films are supposed to be the mirror that reflects the society. Isn’t it? In that sense, have you ever found a film that reflects you at any point in time?

There are days when I truly feel stressed out and watch some Bollywood movies, mostly those that I have seen earlier. Last few days, there is a pattern in the way I watch these. I start with some film, watch my favorite scenes in the film and then listen to some songs of ARR (the first song is definitely this one) and then finally watch “Rock On.”Today as I watch the movie for the nth time, I realize that may be I see a part of me in Adi’s character, played by the guy whom I would love to spend an evening with, Farhan Akhtar.

I am also somewhere in between two worlds – One in which I want to live life every moment, watch movies at theatre, read my favorite books, work and enjoy the challenges that comes with it, feel satisfied at the end of the day, let me hair loose and dance….ok ok… more like jump. The other world wherein I want to wake up my baby everyday with a smile, hug him tight first thing in the morning, smile at him a lot, bath him, take him for a walk, enjoy with him in the park, try to solve puzzles with him, read books to him, sing lullabies to him, introduce him to various kinds of music, share his happiness, be a part of his world, become a child all over again and grow with him. It is a pity that both can not co-exist for me at this moment. The result of which are the compromises that I am forced to make and hence the mood swings that I have.

I should find peace soon at least for the sake of my better-half whom I am sure is annoyed at my mood swings but still does not lose his calmness. I guess I should not test his patience for long. :)

Unexpected turn of events….

One full month of 2012 has gone by and much advertised Valentines’s day is around the corner and I have not written one single post this year. I have my own reasons….I wanted the first post of this year to be an achievement – completion of first goal for the year!!!! So, I waited and waited and just when I was about to write a post saying “Goal 1 accomplished”, life pulls me down with yet another challenge…

Last year was so difficult on me. My baby was my biggest support. His smile always relaxed me and helped me set my priorities right. But now, my biggest support is becoming my weakness….

Life is so unpredictable… May Lord give me strength.

Very Disturbing.

Two recent incidents have really shaken me. I am really shocked at things happening around me.

1.

Have you seen the film Kadhal Parisu in Tamil starring Kamal, Ambika and Radha? For people who have not seen the film, here is a brief of one of the scenes of the film. Ambika and Kamal are classmates. Ambika has a crush on Kamal and during one of their college trips, Raj mixes some drugs in Ambika’s drinks and has sex with her. Ambika thinks it was Kamal and develops hatred towards him.

How will you react if I tell you that this has happened to one of my distant relatives? Let’s call her P. So, this guy (Let’s call him X) who was her college mate had a crush on her and proposes to P. P denies it saying her family is of most importance to her and she will marry the person that her parents choose. They attend a farewell party of another friend in a hotel. During that party, X has mixed something in P’s drinks and god knows what happened. And one fine day, P informs her parents that she wants to marry X. Her parents oppose it vehemently because he is not well educated and is from a different case. A few days later P writes a letter to her parents saying that circumstances have forced her to marry X and asking them to forgive her.

I just can’t believe that something like this is actually happening in this society. I still can not accept the fact that she has actually married him, married someone who has actually cheated her. I do not know what forced her to do it. The family is shattered. I just can’t see her fathers face. He is a very jovial person by nature. I can’t even imagine the fact that he cried badly.

2.

V is my cousin. She completed her engineering and is working for a MNC. She lives outside India and is earning well. She is in love and wants to marry a person from another caste. Though I have always supported people in love, some of her dialogues just makes me wonder if she is actually in love.

She says she can not marry someone from our caste because she wants to wear western clothes, move around the world and can not follow our traditions and hence wants to marry this guy, whom she knows from college days and she thinks he will always be in her control.

Her mom is still very traditional and just can not accept that such things are happening to her. She is losing her self-control. Again, I feel bad for her. 

Is this love? You do not want to marry someone from your caste and hence choose someone who will say yes to all your needs.

When such incidents happened with others, I guess it was easy for me to ignore. But when things happen in close quarters and you know the persons involved, it just hurts badly.


What kind of society do we live in? I am just shocked. And to think I have brought a child into this kind of world worries me.

Past, Present, and Future

Disc: Long post alert.

For all those who had decided that this blog is dead, let me just say “Better luck next time.” (And next time may actually come very soon…. :)) And thanks to H for making me write this post. Else I don't think I would have written two lines.

Ok. So why no updates for a looooong time. Simple, straight forward reason. I was plain lazy. There were a zillion things in my head but when you are at mom’s place, there are more important things like trying out new dishes with your dad, eating all your favorite dishes that mom makes, chatting non stop over absolutely useless things, sleeping without switching on the alarm, watching TV, fighting with your brother, and the list goes on………… So, my blog obviously took a back seat.

But then, today is an important day. Since my baby has decided not to trouble me by giving any sort of pain until now, my doctor has asked me to get admitted today evening. My mental state can be easily described as a combination of tension, nervousness, fear, confusion, trust in the Almighty, expectation, happiness, and a few other feelings which can not be described. (Now, wasn’t that an easy description :)) I have no idea how today is going to change my life or what to expect from tomorrow. So, I guess today is the right time to tell you all how last few months have been wonderful and welcome the baby in the tummy to the outside world.

I had written a post earlier on how to appreciate the unexpected things in life. The pregnancy made me realize how beautiful the world is if you really make an effort to look at the positive aspects of life.

- I am sure every girl will realize that their parents are the best in the whole universe. Words are truly not enough to describe that feeling. The bond between the daughter and parents reaches a new level altogether. Dad and mom, I love you lots and can’t wait to see you become grandparents. [I also know that I will be totally ignored from tomorrow. I am getting mentally prepared for it :(]

- My parents had moved to a new house last year. This meant I do not know any of the neighbors. But how do you feel, when one fine day one of the neighbors come home and give you sweet vada (the first time I ate vada that was sweet and it was yummy) just because you are pregnant and you may like them. And another neighbor beings you flowers from nearest temple, and another gives you sevai to eat because you may like them. Truly people, I feel blessed. God bless these lovely souls.

- And what about the neighbor kid who is 2 years old and comes and asks me everyday how the papa is doing. And every time she ate a chocolate, she gave one to me so that paapa can taste it. :) [Yes, I dutifully ate it to let my paapa taste. :)]

- All those relatives of yours, who would have spoken to you 10 times in 25 years, call you every week to check how you are doing and offer help at any time. I really never thought these can happen. [It’s another story that me and my mom think there might be some other motive behind this. But let us ignore that for now.]

- And before I left Bangalore, my neighbor invited me home for dinner and gave me bangles, flowers and all those traditional things and gave me a proper farewell. What made them show such unconditional love? I can only wonder.

What can I say? Life just feels great. A new beginning is in store for me and I hope and pray that my baby continue to receive such love all through his life. (For people who read between the lines, let me clarify I do not know the gender yet.)

Last few days have been very tension filled. Everything seems normal. Baby has descended and is in correct position. Baby’s growth is normal. But I experience no pain, which actually has surprised the doctor. So, I have been taking long walks, eating things that might trigger pain, praying continuously. But nothing has worked.

But, today seems different. I guess I have the correct attitude now. As they try to induce pain medically, I hope pain starts and progresses and I am able to deliver the baby normally. Even otherwise, I know that whatever happens, God and doctors decide what is best for me and the baby, and I am ready to accept it. Fingers crossed though.

And how can I end this post without welcoming my baby.

Dear Kutty,

You have made me experience so much love and affection this year. If this is how life is even before I see you, I can’t imagine how future is going to be.

I hope I am able to love you the same way.

Meet you soon.

Love,

Mom

PS: People who read this today, please keep me in your prayers.

My mom’s world

As with most daughters, I was and am attached to my dad. I love him, respect him, and adore him. He is truly my hero. He is one of the very few people whose company I enjoy. Of course, just like everybody else he has his own share of negatives. But once you love someone so much, you learn to overlook those.

What about mom? Well, I was never close to my mom. I don't know why. I love her and would do anything for her. But, in case I had any problem, let me say mom was not the first person I would go to. I was actually slightly afraid of her. I was never able to appreciate her emotions and thoughts. To be honest, there were days when I thought my mom was lucky to have my dad as partner.

But all this changed once I got married. It was truly a revelation for me. I understood my mom better. I got a view of how her world should have been in the past. For someone who came from a financially weak family, who had lost her father a year before her marriage, and who cannot go back to her mom because the family was already struggling, marriage should have posed quite a few challenges.

She had to take care of my dad's two younger brothers. One of the brothers had a few medical problems so she had to prepare separate dishes for him and the rest of the family. She had to wake up at 4 am to complete her chores. Those were the days before phones became part of house hold. So, with no conversation or very little conversation with the family, I can understand how lonely she would have felt. Add to it, her MIL and SIL were not very supportive. She was always looked down because of her financial status. She never raised her voice and was afraid of every one of them. My dad was her only pillar of strength.

I guess all those years of untold loneliness and sorrow was probably the reason she became very vocal later on.

This year Lord has been extremely kind and has blessed me with the opportunity to experience motherhood. Last few months as I am getting ready to become a mom, I understand my mom so much better. Much better than all those years I stayed with her. I am seeing a different side of her – of a practical woman.

As I struggled in the first few months of pregnancy, my mom was with me giving me physical and emotional support all the way. Whenever my dad overreacted on any issue because of the love he had for me and it was difficult for him to see me struggling, she would keep her cool and ask me to ignore his comments. She was the practical woman.

She would tell me incidents of how things happened during her pregnancy, how she had to wait until the 9^th month to go to her mom's place, how my dad reacted when my brother and I was born (looks like his initial reaction of a girl was not a happy one :) I guess he knew that his boss has arrived :)), how she managed all alone with no support, how she would catch a bus and go for monthly check ups alone and many more. All these stories made me truly realize how much she had endured all her life.

After I was born, my mom's younger brother and sister also stayed with us. Mom had taken the responsibility of getting them married to good families. My dad's brother also got married. All these marriages meant there was not much of savings in the initial years. So, from the time we were born, mom and dad sacrificed a lot. They have never spent anything on themselves. They saved every single penny to give us good education. That was their only motto.

Today, though we are in a financially better position, my mom fights for every single rupee that is spent. My brother mostly will be the target. Visits to the theatre, CDs, outside lunch are all ways of wasting money, as per my mom. Given her past, we understand her mindset.

But what hurts me most is sometimes when her innocence comes out. Whenever she asks for cone ice cream, or when she buys some cosmetics, or when she asks for some books, moments like these makes me realize how many years it has taken for her to experience the smallest desires of her.

Mom, I truly understand your struggles and their effects on you. I hope to fulfill every single wish of yours. Love you…!

And Dad, you are lucky to have mom with you. Today, your brothers and sisters are proud of you and us because of mom. Stop fighting with her. :)

Good and bad of June

June, the month that I was so looking forward to, is failing to live up to the expectations. Sigh!

I was so excited that I will be travelling to Singara Chennai in mid-June. No tension, No house work, Lots of chatting, Friends, Relatives, Lots of pampering, Laughter, Love.........the list was so exciting.

But one thing that I never knew was all those people planning to get married came to know that marriage has to be done before June 15th (or 17th actually), failing which the bride will change her decision.

So, I have four weddings in the first half of June in Chennai, all of which I can not attend and none in the second half. Life is definitely not fair, I say! I demand justice. But I dont know whom to ask? :(

Kids are the best I say!

Kids are the best mood-shifters. They have the magic wand to make you jump from a bad mood to happiness.

Imagine a dull Saturday, you are in one of your sulkiest best and with lot of effort move out of your home to a nearby temple just to get some fresh air and at least make your body active. Walk as leisurely as possible, reach the temple, ask the Lord the same stupid question – "Why it happens only to me?", do a few rounds of the temple, feel exhausted, and decide to sit in one corner and look at the sky brooding over something.

You see a few images of people walking past you, of someone looking at you, someone waving at you but nothing is registered in the mind. And then suddenly someone pats at your shoulders, you turn back and look at a kid showing you 4 teeth and waving "Bye" at you. It takes a moment for you to come back to this world. You look at the kid, without thinking hug the kid, give a kiss, and then wave a happy and loud "Bye." Oh wonderful!!! :)

So, you are now happy and walk faster back home noticing all the kids playing and one small girl comes near you and says "Hi Akka!!!" Akka it is!!! After being called 'aunty' and 'maami' (that too on the day of marriage) for two years, it feels great that someone still considers me "akka." No prizes for guessing, I kissed the kid and said "Hi kutty…." :) Life is lovely I say…

One month……

To all those who came to the blog for new posts, I apologize. Last one month I have realized and understood that "No man is an island."

What's new you ask? It's new to me. All this while I sincerely believed I can take care of everything in my life. In case of any challenges, speak to people; ask them what to do, but do it yourself has been my policy. All this changed last month.

I am self-dependent person. I don't ask anyone for favors. But I realized there will be days when you cannot wake up from bed, when you cannot cook your own meals, when you cannot tie a sari yourself, when you cannot comb your hair and may more…

It was difficult. I fought all these and put up a brave face saying I can do all this. Tomorrow will be normal. How wrong I was. I had to accept that my life has changed.

Am I sounding too negative? Well if so, then let me correct that. The biggest realization of all was that "Even when you do not ask for help, even when you deny others help and say you can manage, parents know the best." My mom and dad traveled the next week and I cannot tell you how I felt that day. No one in life can match the love, affection, and care of parents. I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful parents and pray for their happiness and well being every single day.

தலைவனாய் மாறிய நண்பன்

First time I saw you,

I knew you will be my friend.

We said Hello and smiled,

We chatted over lunch and snacks,

We shared our interests and problems,

We criticized every show on TV,

We talked God, prayers and Hinduism,

We discussed marriage and relationship;

Every time I saw you,

I told you my problems,

I cried to you,

I felt your warmth,

I felt better,

I was happy to spend time with you;

Every time I see you,

You are the care taker,

You perform every responsibility of yours with ease,

You look like Head of the family,

You are becoming my role model.

Voice of the Heart

I am an instinctive person. Everything in my life is decided based on the voice from the heart than head. I choose my friends based on my instincts. In the first few minutes that I speak to a person, I know the level of bonding I will have with the person.

Similarly, when I perform an activity, I know if it will be successful or not. I know from my heart that the output will be good. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I feel EVERYTIME. But some days I can feel it more than other days. I am not sure how I am able to feel it. May be because in school days, I loved being alone and speaking to myself that I hear the voice inside me even now. I am not sure.

Every time I am confused, I listen to my heart. To quote a few instances,

• When I saw P for the first time, I knew he will become my close friend. Today, all I can say is I am just so proud of myself to be his friend.
  
• Mine was an arranged marriage. But even before I met my husband and his parents on the scheduled day, I knew that the alliance will be finalized. And today, I am happy that I listened to my heart.
  
• A year back, when I was asked to work from a client's location, my dad wanted me to reject the offer. But I listened to my heart and accepted the offer. And those days were so crucial in bringing peace to my mind.
  

If you are wondering, why such a post, let me tell you the feedback I received last week.

Someone told my current lead –

"Whenever she asks a question to you and if the answer does not convince her, she will never some back to you. She will complete the work herself."

I have to say – That's a pretty good assessment of who I am. But, unfortunately I am not able to accept to it fully. It's more like this.

"If I speak to you and if I am not comfortable with you or your answer, I would never come to you for anything."

Because sometimes I am happy with an honest answer. It can be "I don't know". I respect the honesty. But if I see someone beating around the bush and wasting my time or using inappropriate words or disrespecting someone or correct answer in a wrong tone, I am sure I would never go back to him.

How about you? Do you listen to your instincts? Let me know.

Life, Music and Sports

I have been thinking for long how life is related to music and sports and this blog is a reflection of it.

Music
I am listening to my favorite Ilayaraja Songs and again the same thought comes back…!!
How much silence enhances the appreciation of the following notes in the song? Isn’t Mounam sangeetham?

I feel our lives are similar to music. We do have upper notes and lower notes in life. We do have various moods and styles within us. But we all have a set of values – just as all music comes down to the basic notes.

So the question is: Don’t we need stops to reenergize yourself? YES. But a lot of us forget it. I believe these stops can be just 5 minutes every day where you clear your mind of all negative thoughts. I do pooja everyday and those 15 minutes give me the calmness and energy needed to perform my activities in the day.

How good if we all realize this!!

Sports
I consider sports closest to life for the single reason - Success and defeat happens every day.
Watching a sportsman go through the highs and lows are lessons in itself. The few that I have understood over the years are provided.

When you thought no one can beat Michael Schumacher, there was Alonso. When you thought Alonso is going to be the champion for the future, came Hamilton.
Always better your last performance because your competitors will change.

When Men tennis was getting bored with the gap between Federer and other players increasing, in came Nadal. Federer is the genius, but genius can also be defeated if you make the most of your strengths.

The West Indies cricket team of 80s and the current Australian team teach you an important lesson – Plan for the future.

Watching the match between Federer and Roddick in Wimbledon final makes you think – Is winning the only thing? Ofcourse Roddick would be disappointed and broken. But when he wakes up the next day, I am sure he would be proud of his efforts. Give your best shot and leave the rest to God.

Sachin Tendulkar cried after India lost the test match to Pakistan to Chennai. Why did he do so? Because he knew he was so close to victory. Its not over until its over.

Lance Armstrong shows you, if you have the passion and determination to win, nothing can be a hindrance.

And I am yet to make a mention of Tiger Woods, because I am awaiting the day when he will win the Masters again. I am confident of it.

So, what are the lessons that you have learnt?

And just as I comment on the musicians and sportsmen, I should understand others have rights to make comments on me. Do I understand? Not really. But I don’t mind. :)

Brindha!!