Reborn!

Yes people. I was reborn on September 16 @ 3:23 PM. In appreciation of my work in the previous birth, God has given me a baby boy to take care of. And yes, I can’t thank Him enough for this.

Before I start my birth story, I have a few messages to the entire whole world.

To all the guys in the world:

Never ever show disrespect towards any women. You have no idea how much pain she already has to endure.

To all the women who have more than two kids: *

I am still wondering what motivated you to have more than two kids.

To all the married women who are waiting to become pregnant:

I have just one advice for you all. Expect the unexpected.

To all the single women:

In case you have plans to get married and have kids, do not read further.

Ok. Now that all the messages are done, let me tell you how my experience in the labor room.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was to be admitted in the hospital on Wednesday (15^th Sep) at 7 PM. I did the regular pooja at home and I really had no clue what to pray. I was mentally prepared to accept anything and hence was pretty calm. I do a namaskaram to the God and then to my parents. (My dad comments that all this will not induce pain and hence to stop acting :))

So, we left for the hospital @ 6:30 PM. Once the room was allocated, the first thing I did was to have dinner at the hospital. I was in good mood, cracking jokes, making fun of the hospital idlis (Really, Why do hospital idlis make one feel so sick?), and relaxed. Nurses came and checked my BP and took me to the labor room to check the baby’s heart beat, movement and the position. Everything was normal and I waited for my doctor’s arrival. In the mean time, my in laws also came and I am all smiles and look mentally strong. (People in fact made fun that I look like a NCC commander :)). After everybody left, its just me and my mom at the hospital.

10:30 PM: The doctor arrives and injects a gel to induce pain. She comments that I am very favorable to her treatments. My ego, which already thinks that my tolerance levels to pain are high, is boosted and I feel good. I really think I am mentally strong for labor.

And that’s where the story takes a U-turn.

11:00 PM: The gel starts working real quick and I have pains in my back. Baby’s heart beat and movements are constantly monitored. My pains start increasing and I am struggling to lie on the back. The machine is irritating and I do not feel baby’s movements. An injection is given to increase the pain.

16^th Sep 2:00 AM: I am moved out of the labor room to the patient’s room. I am more than happy to be with my mom. Both of us try to sleep but couldn’t. I try to walk as I feel slightly better while walking. The pains continue to increase and my mom starts praying religiously. I start vomiting and I am a bit tired. But mentally I still think I can take this.

3:00 AM: Another injection to increase the pain.

4:00 AM: Another injection to increase the pain.

5:00 AM: I am in real bad pain and the nurses decide to take me to the labor room. My back pain increases and I am not able to lie on the bed. My doctor visits and checks and tells me that I am just 3cm dilated. I think I had my first heart attack at that time. (I start calculating mentally how long it will take for me to be 10 cm dilated. 3cm in 7 hours, so for 10 cms……. And then mind stops working) Doctor decides that the progress is very slow and my membranes are ruptured. This time all my control is lost and I am crying badly. I am again moved to the patient’s room.

All my relatives arrive. My vomiting continues and I have no energy whatsoever. I try walking for some time. But every time the contractions come, I fall down.

This continues for the next few hours.

10:30 AM: I am again taken to the labor room. I am crying and shouting non stop. I am not able to stand on my own. The duty doctor examines and tells that I am only 6 cms dilated. They decide to move me back to the patient’s room. I plead the doctor to do something and take the baby out. Nothing works and I am moved to the patient’s room again.

The only thing I remember from now is that I was in pain shouting God’s names every time the contraction hits hard.

One of the nurses takes pity on me and gives me steam bath which temporarily made my back feel better.

1:00 PM: Enema is given and I am moved into the labor room. As time goes on, all my positive attitude goes out of the window. I vomit again and the entire world starts spinning. I think today will be my last day and I will not move out of this room. I pray God to ensure that the baby is fine and to take care of the baby even after my death.

The doctor comes and examines and I am 8 cms dilated.

2:00 PM: I am completely dilated and the doctor asks me to push. I try but I have no energy. In the process of trying hard, I bite my lips and blood comes from my mouth.

2:30 PM: The doctor decides that I might need some help and nurses help me in pushing. But the pain is too much for me to endure. I shout asking them to cut me open and take the baby out.

3:00 PM: The doctor decides on vacuum delivery. She tries for four times with no success.

3:23 PM: Fifth time, the doctors are successful. The baby comes out but I do not hear baby’s crying sound. I am a little worried and ask the doctors about the baby. They were all busy examining the baby. Finally, after 5 minutes I hear the baby’s voice.

Next one hour is spent stitching me up and I am again shouting in pain.

5:00 PM: One of the nurses come near me and place a package next to me. I did not even realize that it’s the baby. She then asks me to feed the baby. I look next to me and a tiny face is seen. I smile at the baby and I feel so wonderful. I feed the baby and thankfully there were no problems here. The baby then kept looking at the light. Few minutes later, he smiles. I feel divine at this moment and thank God for everything.

But sooner, the pains come back and I sleep peacefully. After some time when I moved to the patient room, I do not know why I cried but I cried non stop. My dad comes and looks at me first and we share a lovely dad-daughter moment with both of us crying. Later with a few pain killers I survive the day.

But even now, as I try to recapture the days in hospital, there is still a sense of fear and shock within me. The entire experience of pregnancy and labor has made me realize that mothers are truly God’s messengers.

* Any comment reminding me of Bhagyaraj's dialogues will be ignored. :)

Past, Present, and Future

Disc: Long post alert.

For all those who had decided that this blog is dead, let me just say “Better luck next time.” (And next time may actually come very soon…. :)) And thanks to H for making me write this post. Else I don't think I would have written two lines.

Ok. So why no updates for a looooong time. Simple, straight forward reason. I was plain lazy. There were a zillion things in my head but when you are at mom’s place, there are more important things like trying out new dishes with your dad, eating all your favorite dishes that mom makes, chatting non stop over absolutely useless things, sleeping without switching on the alarm, watching TV, fighting with your brother, and the list goes on………… So, my blog obviously took a back seat.

But then, today is an important day. Since my baby has decided not to trouble me by giving any sort of pain until now, my doctor has asked me to get admitted today evening. My mental state can be easily described as a combination of tension, nervousness, fear, confusion, trust in the Almighty, expectation, happiness, and a few other feelings which can not be described. (Now, wasn’t that an easy description :)) I have no idea how today is going to change my life or what to expect from tomorrow. So, I guess today is the right time to tell you all how last few months have been wonderful and welcome the baby in the tummy to the outside world.

I had written a post earlier on how to appreciate the unexpected things in life. The pregnancy made me realize how beautiful the world is if you really make an effort to look at the positive aspects of life.

- I am sure every girl will realize that their parents are the best in the whole universe. Words are truly not enough to describe that feeling. The bond between the daughter and parents reaches a new level altogether. Dad and mom, I love you lots and can’t wait to see you become grandparents. [I also know that I will be totally ignored from tomorrow. I am getting mentally prepared for it :(]

- My parents had moved to a new house last year. This meant I do not know any of the neighbors. But how do you feel, when one fine day one of the neighbors come home and give you sweet vada (the first time I ate vada that was sweet and it was yummy) just because you are pregnant and you may like them. And another neighbor beings you flowers from nearest temple, and another gives you sevai to eat because you may like them. Truly people, I feel blessed. God bless these lovely souls.

- And what about the neighbor kid who is 2 years old and comes and asks me everyday how the papa is doing. And every time she ate a chocolate, she gave one to me so that paapa can taste it. :) [Yes, I dutifully ate it to let my paapa taste. :)]

- All those relatives of yours, who would have spoken to you 10 times in 25 years, call you every week to check how you are doing and offer help at any time. I really never thought these can happen. [It’s another story that me and my mom think there might be some other motive behind this. But let us ignore that for now.]

- And before I left Bangalore, my neighbor invited me home for dinner and gave me bangles, flowers and all those traditional things and gave me a proper farewell. What made them show such unconditional love? I can only wonder.

What can I say? Life just feels great. A new beginning is in store for me and I hope and pray that my baby continue to receive such love all through his life. (For people who read between the lines, let me clarify I do not know the gender yet.)

Last few days have been very tension filled. Everything seems normal. Baby has descended and is in correct position. Baby’s growth is normal. But I experience no pain, which actually has surprised the doctor. So, I have been taking long walks, eating things that might trigger pain, praying continuously. But nothing has worked.

But, today seems different. I guess I have the correct attitude now. As they try to induce pain medically, I hope pain starts and progresses and I am able to deliver the baby normally. Even otherwise, I know that whatever happens, God and doctors decide what is best for me and the baby, and I am ready to accept it. Fingers crossed though.

And how can I end this post without welcoming my baby.

Dear Kutty,

You have made me experience so much love and affection this year. If this is how life is even before I see you, I can’t imagine how future is going to be.

I hope I am able to love you the same way.

Meet you soon.

Love,

Mom

PS: People who read this today, please keep me in your prayers.

My mom’s world

As with most daughters, I was and am attached to my dad. I love him, respect him, and adore him. He is truly my hero. He is one of the very few people whose company I enjoy. Of course, just like everybody else he has his own share of negatives. But once you love someone so much, you learn to overlook those.

What about mom? Well, I was never close to my mom. I don't know why. I love her and would do anything for her. But, in case I had any problem, let me say mom was not the first person I would go to. I was actually slightly afraid of her. I was never able to appreciate her emotions and thoughts. To be honest, there were days when I thought my mom was lucky to have my dad as partner.

But all this changed once I got married. It was truly a revelation for me. I understood my mom better. I got a view of how her world should have been in the past. For someone who came from a financially weak family, who had lost her father a year before her marriage, and who cannot go back to her mom because the family was already struggling, marriage should have posed quite a few challenges.

She had to take care of my dad's two younger brothers. One of the brothers had a few medical problems so she had to prepare separate dishes for him and the rest of the family. She had to wake up at 4 am to complete her chores. Those were the days before phones became part of house hold. So, with no conversation or very little conversation with the family, I can understand how lonely she would have felt. Add to it, her MIL and SIL were not very supportive. She was always looked down because of her financial status. She never raised her voice and was afraid of every one of them. My dad was her only pillar of strength.

I guess all those years of untold loneliness and sorrow was probably the reason she became very vocal later on.

This year Lord has been extremely kind and has blessed me with the opportunity to experience motherhood. Last few months as I am getting ready to become a mom, I understand my mom so much better. Much better than all those years I stayed with her. I am seeing a different side of her – of a practical woman.

As I struggled in the first few months of pregnancy, my mom was with me giving me physical and emotional support all the way. Whenever my dad overreacted on any issue because of the love he had for me and it was difficult for him to see me struggling, she would keep her cool and ask me to ignore his comments. She was the practical woman.

She would tell me incidents of how things happened during her pregnancy, how she had to wait until the 9^th month to go to her mom's place, how my dad reacted when my brother and I was born (looks like his initial reaction of a girl was not a happy one :) I guess he knew that his boss has arrived :)), how she managed all alone with no support, how she would catch a bus and go for monthly check ups alone and many more. All these stories made me truly realize how much she had endured all her life.

After I was born, my mom's younger brother and sister also stayed with us. Mom had taken the responsibility of getting them married to good families. My dad's brother also got married. All these marriages meant there was not much of savings in the initial years. So, from the time we were born, mom and dad sacrificed a lot. They have never spent anything on themselves. They saved every single penny to give us good education. That was their only motto.

Today, though we are in a financially better position, my mom fights for every single rupee that is spent. My brother mostly will be the target. Visits to the theatre, CDs, outside lunch are all ways of wasting money, as per my mom. Given her past, we understand her mindset.

But what hurts me most is sometimes when her innocence comes out. Whenever she asks for cone ice cream, or when she buys some cosmetics, or when she asks for some books, moments like these makes me realize how many years it has taken for her to experience the smallest desires of her.

Mom, I truly understand your struggles and their effects on you. I hope to fulfill every single wish of yours. Love you…!

And Dad, you are lucky to have mom with you. Today, your brothers and sisters are proud of you and us because of mom. Stop fighting with her. :)

Good and bad of June

June, the month that I was so looking forward to, is failing to live up to the expectations. Sigh!

I was so excited that I will be travelling to Singara Chennai in mid-June. No tension, No house work, Lots of chatting, Friends, Relatives, Lots of pampering, Laughter, Love.........the list was so exciting.

But one thing that I never knew was all those people planning to get married came to know that marriage has to be done before June 15th (or 17th actually), failing which the bride will change her decision.

So, I have four weddings in the first half of June in Chennai, all of which I can not attend and none in the second half. Life is definitely not fair, I say! I demand justice. But I dont know whom to ask? :(

Kids are the best I say!

Kids are the best mood-shifters. They have the magic wand to make you jump from a bad mood to happiness.

Imagine a dull Saturday, you are in one of your sulkiest best and with lot of effort move out of your home to a nearby temple just to get some fresh air and at least make your body active. Walk as leisurely as possible, reach the temple, ask the Lord the same stupid question – "Why it happens only to me?", do a few rounds of the temple, feel exhausted, and decide to sit in one corner and look at the sky brooding over something.

You see a few images of people walking past you, of someone looking at you, someone waving at you but nothing is registered in the mind. And then suddenly someone pats at your shoulders, you turn back and look at a kid showing you 4 teeth and waving "Bye" at you. It takes a moment for you to come back to this world. You look at the kid, without thinking hug the kid, give a kiss, and then wave a happy and loud "Bye." Oh wonderful!!! :)

So, you are now happy and walk faster back home noticing all the kids playing and one small girl comes near you and says "Hi Akka!!!" Akka it is!!! After being called 'aunty' and 'maami' (that too on the day of marriage) for two years, it feels great that someone still considers me "akka." No prizes for guessing, I kissed the kid and said "Hi kutty…." :) Life is lovely I say…

Wide Angle - Lovely moments

Well... where shall I start? If I say I am happy, it does not do justice to the feelings of heart.

When I saw the contest conducted by Blogadda to write a tribute to Anil Kumble, I thought I should give it a go. I had not updated the blog for months together because of health and emotional reasons. But cricket is an addiction and really can not stop myself. I finally spent a few hours in writing and at the end of it felt wonderful. It was reliving those moments when I had watched those matches and had post-match conference with my mom and brother. :)

I was happy to win the contest but really did not know much about the book and was not sure what to expect in it. But everything changed when I actually got the book last week. Surely, camera is to capture lovely moments and relive those later. And that's exactly what happened with me. I spent the entire weekend looking at those pics. (It helped that power cuts in Bangalore are at its worst. :( ) Let me leave you with two of my most favorite photos.

1] Rahul Dravid, Man of the match in Adelaide Test.

In this test, Ponting scored 200 and blew a kiss to his wife. And when Dravid scored 200, he kissed Indian cap. Me and my brother, who hate Ponting, started comparing the two and made some really sarcastic comments. :) Oh those days!!!

2] Well, what shall I say about this. Fab five - thanks for all the happiness you provided us.

Thanks Blogadda for the contest and the book.

PS: Pardon the image quality. My digicam did not work and hence pics taken from mobile. :(

Reunion – The End

This post is submitted for the Mystery Fiction Blog Contest at Blogadda. Ajay Nair has written a story called "Reunion," laying out some clues. We are given the chance to solve the mystery.

My take is given below.

After Lila spoke to all the ghosts from her past, she decided it was time to make her move. Each of their actions indicated that they did not love her at all. They did not care for her. Even when they knew she had only a few years left, they decided to come empty-handed with no apologies at heart.

"Life is unfair," she decided. How can those people lead a normal life when she has to die? She decided to execute her plan. She had nothing to lose. She had only a few years left and had no one to care for her. Her desire to live reduced and taking revenge became the priority.

She thought of M. and crumpled his scarf in anger. The porcelain cup brought her memories of those six years and she threw them on the floor in disgust. Thoughts of R reminded her of the beads and she threw them to the bathroom. She looked at the arm band. Yeah, she was the snake. She believed in revenge – revenge against people who did not care for her. The arm band made her realize that even blood relation is not trustworthy and mangled the arm band.

She finally took the bullet from the pendant and killed herself. Last few minutes she felt satisfied that she had acted smartly and the cops will ruin the lives of the people in her past.

Sentences that made me think it is a suicide are:

"Lila was smart"

"In my invitation, she'd mentioned that she'd only a few years left to live and wanted to bury the past."

"Everyone knew she was suffering."

"After all, there was only one person in this house capable of killing Lila." – Well, I thought it has to be all or none. Everyone tried to murder her or no one did it.

And somehow the arm band in the shape of snake made me think of revenge. I know I am following Bollywood tradition. :)