2011 – Year of extremes

Last day of the year… Time to look back…

2011 to me was a year of extremes.

Watching my son grow and explore the world is easily the most beautiful thing that could have happened to me. It’s the time when I forget everything else and become a child again trying to live in his world and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. [I never knew that I will look forward to a walk down the road or climbing the stairs, but I did and it was because of my child]

2011 also gave me the confidence that I can manage home, work and baby. Of course, I could not have done this without the support of my MIL and I thank her from the bottom of my heart. But, I guess I can also give myself a pat in the back and say “Well managed” :) [ Well… no one else is going to say it. So, better let me do it.]

2011 was also the year when my brother got married. I cried after I tied the knot (as is the customary in our custom) and sincerely prayed that they should have a wonderful life ahead and I am happy to see that they are enjoying life. [But I was smart enough not to cry when the photographer was taking shots. I controlled my tears for 2 minutes. I look good in the photos. :)]

2011 will also be remembered as the year when I wanted the earth to open up and gobble me. There were days I did not want to meet or speak to anyone. I so wished I could run away somewhere and never come back. I guess this also given me a clarity to know what to expect in future.

Overall, 2011 was a mixed year with emotions ranging from – extreme happiness that make you forget the world, extreme pain in which you cry, moments when you want nothing other than total silence to accompany you.

2011 – Thank you for the happiness and the hard lessons. I hope you have made me stronger.

2012 – Hope you help me achieve my goals.

Wishing you all a happy new year and hope 2012 brings you love, happiness and laughter.

Teary love!

My boy,

It has been quite a while since I had written about you (well almost 2.5 months), the reason being I was just physically and emotionally tired. But then you decided that you will give me shock-treatment so that I will record the same. So, here I am to record the happenings of last couple of months and the shock I received yesterday!!!

• Last couple of months you have learnt to stand by yourself with support. But rather than trying to walk, your next step has been to climb. You climb over everything –your mom, chair, bureau, TV stand, cot, window, door, gate and what not…

• Generally, babies will start saying amma, appa, tha-tha and then move on to other words like anna, akka, and so on. You were saying amma, appa, tha-tha earlier and now fail to open your mouth. Hmpf!

• Though you do not speak in words, you communicate well. For example, if I feed you food or even water, you push my hand away. If I try to take a toy that you play, you drag it from me. If I do not give you the camera after taking a couple of pics, you cry and shake your hands and legs showing your protest. If you can not reach for something, you life your hands and ask me to carry. If you want something, you look at the item and then at me and repeat this for 3-4 times. Boy, I know you everything I speak goes to your head but I would love to receive response from the mouth. Please consider!

• Your love with TV and advertisements continue. If you showed your liking through your smiles earlier, now you also move your hands and head very fast and it is absolutely cute! Especially when someone smiles on TV, you love it totally!

• Finally, you spend time with all the toys, but not that you play with them. Rather, you look at every single bolt, nut, screw in it and try to loosen it and break those into pieces. I think you will become an engineer.

• During the second week of November, your GM went home. So, I had to manage you, home and work for a month and I sincerely thank you for sleeping at 9 p.m. every single day.

• Your GM made mysore pagu before she left and I made gulab jamun later for Diwali. You disliked both. You really do not like sweets. But you loved the ribbon we made. Guess you like only spicy food.

• On the day of Diwali, after dressing you up and taking a few pics and generally playing with you, you slept. So, I went to wear my Diwali dress and get dressed. When you saw me after waking up, you were so happy to see me in a saree and all dressed up that you started playing hide and seek with the saree. You laughed so much that I realized this is why festivals are celebrated – just to laugh and be happy!!!!

Okay, now that I am done with the updates let me describe what happened yesterday.

There was no power at home and since I am forced to rely on TV to feed you, I knew I was up for a challenge. So, I motivated myself and thought I could distract you and it worked in the morning. Come afternoon, you were pretty sure that you do not want food. I tried cajoling you – you hugged me but refused to open the mouth. I brought all the toys and made you play – you looked at them but same result. I took you to the window – you looked around but same result. I made you stand at the gate – you played with the lock but same result. After trying everything that my brain could come up, I finally gave a hard look and told you not to come near me and walked away.

You tried to come near me but I did not pick you. And then I got busy with other household work. After 45 mins, when you felt sleepy and you realized that I was not picking you, you started crying… Boy and how much did you cry! You cried for a full 30 minutes, the longest so far. I really had no clue what was happening for first few minutes. Later, once I understood that you missed me, I removed your clothes and hugged you tight and started speaking to you for the next 20-25 minutes…. Uff…. And you slept later…. And then I CRIED….

This parenthood is truly very difficult. :( I scold you for your betterment and finally, you make me feel bad and cry…. Serious emotional blackmail this is, I tell you! But I realize it does not matter who is around, if I am not there you search for me… And I do not know what I did to deserve this attention and love.

What a start to the week!!!!

It takes me five minutes in an auto to reach my office. I just get inside the auto, take the exact change, wear my company tag and drop the mobile inside my bag and look at the road and I see my office building. I know I am lucky. But, today was a different day.

As usual, I got inside the auto and did all the things mentioned above and see that the signal has turned red. So, I just look around and I see an auto with school kids next to mine. I wave at the kids, as I always do and one kid looks at me and waves back. Then, he tells the other kids that I waved at him and suddenly all the kids in the auto look at me and I wave at them. Now, all the kids shout and wave at me. They create so much sound that suddenly all the people in bikes who were waiting at the signal look at us and everyone starts smiling and waving at the kids. Suddenly there is so much energy in the air.

What a way to start the week and really, kids do the smartest things. :) It’s been more than an hour since this happened and I am still smiling. :)

Explorations

Very Disturbing.

Two recent incidents have really shaken me. I am really shocked at things happening around me.

1.

Have you seen the film Kadhal Parisu in Tamil starring Kamal, Ambika and Radha? For people who have not seen the film, here is a brief of one of the scenes of the film. Ambika and Kamal are classmates. Ambika has a crush on Kamal and during one of their college trips, Raj mixes some drugs in Ambika’s drinks and has sex with her. Ambika thinks it was Kamal and develops hatred towards him.

How will you react if I tell you that this has happened to one of my distant relatives? Let’s call her P. So, this guy (Let’s call him X) who was her college mate had a crush on her and proposes to P. P denies it saying her family is of most importance to her and she will marry the person that her parents choose. They attend a farewell party of another friend in a hotel. During that party, X has mixed something in P’s drinks and god knows what happened. And one fine day, P informs her parents that she wants to marry X. Her parents oppose it vehemently because he is not well educated and is from a different case. A few days later P writes a letter to her parents saying that circumstances have forced her to marry X and asking them to forgive her.

I just can’t believe that something like this is actually happening in this society. I still can not accept the fact that she has actually married him, married someone who has actually cheated her. I do not know what forced her to do it. The family is shattered. I just can’t see her fathers face. He is a very jovial person by nature. I can’t even imagine the fact that he cried badly.

2.

V is my cousin. She completed her engineering and is working for a MNC. She lives outside India and is earning well. She is in love and wants to marry a person from another caste. Though I have always supported people in love, some of her dialogues just makes me wonder if she is actually in love.

She says she can not marry someone from our caste because she wants to wear western clothes, move around the world and can not follow our traditions and hence wants to marry this guy, whom she knows from college days and she thinks he will always be in her control.

Her mom is still very traditional and just can not accept that such things are happening to her. She is losing her self-control. Again, I feel bad for her. 

Is this love? You do not want to marry someone from your caste and hence choose someone who will say yes to all your needs.

When such incidents happened with others, I guess it was easy for me to ignore. But when things happen in close quarters and you know the persons involved, it just hurts badly.


What kind of society do we live in? I am just shocked. And to think I have brought a child into this kind of world worries me.

Heights of addiction

My boy,

Aren’t you addicted to television already? I mean if you had started talking, I am sure you would be speaking only to TV. Whenever someone smiles in TV (for example, the saravana selvarathinam advertisement in which Surya smiles), you smile right back; when someone cries, you look dull; when someone shouts angrily (remember vadivukarasai in mudhal mariyadhai), you cry; when some kid appears (the new Super Singer Junior 3 ad), you are happy and make a lot of movements.

All this when TV is played for a maximum of two hours in a day. Whenever TV is on, you fail to recognize that there are other people in the room. Not fair I say!!!!

And since I made a mention of advertisements, let me say the new Super Singer Junior ads are too cute…. Especially the one where the small boy sings “kaal kilo karupu puli manja thool da…. ” Totally hilarious :)

This is what birthdays are for

Just when I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally after fighting with who else but the husband and giving my baby fever drugs every four hours, I forgot about my birthday and was really in no intention to celebrate the same.

But when I see a missed call early in the day from a US number, there is an involuntary smile in the face. Though the number is new, I can recognise the face of the caller. Then one by one, all my close friends call and what was supposed to be a dull day becomes an energetic one with lots of good vibes. In this world of mails and FB messages, its great to hear friends voice. :)

Now, I understand, this is what birthdays are for - To refresh your mind and give you a fresh start.

Thanks my buddies. Love you all!!!

1 year - A disappointing end to a great year!!!!

My little boy,

For me, it has been an eventful year to say the least  - from being a new mom who had no idea how to hold a baby, to someone who learnt quickly on deciphering the cries of the baby, to someone who waited patiently for each milestone, to someone who was proud about every single action of yours, to someone who cried every time you fell ill, to someone who stopped thinking about herself, to someone who wanted to give the best to you, to someone who became a child once again.

Now for some updates:

• Advertisements in TV are your best playmate. You forget the world when ads come on TV. Of course, I make the best use of it by feeding you at that time. :)

• You love kids. Every time I take you outside and you see a toddler or a kid, you show your eight teeth and want to go to them.

• You are still not standing up and I am slightly worried because of it. I hope you start walking soon.

• The new game that we play now is placing the chair at the center of the house and both of us trying to catch each other by going around the chair. In between you try to catch me by crawling beneath the chair. :)

• I spent 600 Rs. on repairing my mobile phone thanks to you. You happily peed on the mobile phone and I was stupid enough not to notice it. I cleaned the wet floor but did not notice the phone. So, after a few hours I look at the phone and it is dead. All my attempts at keeping the phone in rice tin, or placing it on hot vessels were of no use. Finally when I took it to a service center, I see that the display ICs have burnt. I was tensed for a couple of days and was restless to have the phone back. But once I got the phone, I did not use it for the next two weeks :)

• We had your ayush homam on September 6 and you made sure that the garland was on you for exactly 3 seconds. Of course you behaved like a good boy, playing with everyone and then sleeping when the actual pooja took place and finally waking up when people were giving you gifts. :) I think you have your priorities correct.

• We were at Madurai for 3 days to attend your mama's wedding and I am just totally proud of you. You were happy to play with anyone, smiled at everyone, slept with anyone and were really an easy baby to handle. However, on the final day, things took a total U-turn. You fell ill and refused to go to anyone and slept only on my shoulders.

• This continued for a week and I understood the truth when people say that having a child is having your heart go walking around outside your body.

• Because of illness and general tension in the family we could not celebrate your first birthday in a grand manner. Your mama bought a cake and we ate it. Of course you held the knife when your grandmother cut the cake :) It was a disappointing end to what has been a great year.

• More the time I spend with you, one thing is becoming clear. You are not one of those expressive kids. You keep everything inside your heart. For example, when you look at the TV and I switch it off, your give a disappointed look and you turn to the TV again after a few seconds to see if it is switched on. But that's it. No cries, no tantrums, no loud noise. I am not sure what goes in your head. But I hope as you grow, you express yourself rather than keeping everything within you.

• This year truly has been great. There were the usual fights, discussions and misunderstandings in the family but because of you everything was resolved quickly because everyone smiles looking at you and hence there is a sudden positive energy at home.

I have learnt so much about myself, my priorities, life in general. Nothing in this world matches the selfless love that you give me and just looking at your sleeping face at the end of the day is enough to bring calmness and peace to my heart.


Love you dear.

11 months and a baby no more!

Hello my boy,

I am late by at least 10 days to do your 11th month update. The last two weeks have been crazy to say the least. Your GM went to Salem on Aug-13 since it was a long weekend promising to return by afternoon of Aug-16. Based on previous experience, I knew I can not manage you and work so applied leave on Aug-16. Then after second thought I applied leave on Aug-17th also just to make sure that in case your GM is late by a day, there will be no stress on me. How do I know what is in store for me?

• I thought I was smart and have planned well. But then your GM became sick and her return was delayed by a week. So, I had to manage both work and home for the remaining two days with no help. Yet another lesson learnt…. Things will not always go as per plan. :( But then you were just brilliant **Kaala tikka**. I placed the laptop on the table, where you could not reach and worked. You were happy to play around and just crawl around as long as I sat in the same room. When you became tired and wanted to sleep, you crawled and just hugged my legs. My heart broke into pieces at that moment.

• You are crawling sooper-fast now.

• You just want to go out all the time. If anyone goes out, you crawl fast towards them. I understand your love to explore the outside world. But my boy, please understand this is rainy season and your mom hasn’t still mastered the art of carrying a baby and an umbrella simultaneously.
  

• There are times when you don’t behave like a baby. You seem to have an opinion of your own. Like the instance when you do not want to wear a shirt and just crawl and make a loud noise or when you think you have eaten enough and will not open your mouth or when you want to play with my phone or remote or the utensils at home and if I take anything away from you, you increase the decibel of your voice. But then, I should have expected these when I wanted my kid to be born in the same month as my birth month (which is September – virgo mom, virgo son).
  

• Your GF visited us this month. He came on a Sunday @ 6 a.m. You were sleeping and after some minutes I gave you milk and you drank the milk in the sleepy mood. But once your GF called your name, you just turned your head towards him, gave a broad smile and went to him. I was just HAPPY to know that you recognize his voice though he stays miles away.

• I bring you books from the library. You don’t seem to show any interest in them at this moment and is always looking for ways to tear them apart. But I would like to continue this and read to you. I am sure someday you will start turning the pages by yourself.

• And best of all – you say AMMA a hundred times a day and the pride in my heart and the smile in my face every single time can not be matched by anything else.

Love you loads,
Mom.

Library - Here I come!!!

I registered at a nearby library on Saturday. I wanted to do this for years, but never managed to go to a library. If I wanted to read a book I bought it. Because I did not want to pressurize myself by setting a date before which I should complete the book and return.

Then why did I register this time? Because I thought may be time has come to introduce books to my baby. I found a nearby library which has children’s books too. So, I browsed their website, saw their collection and just registered for it. Its surprising how something that I have postponed for years got completed in a matter of days because baby was involved. :)

So, went to the library on Saturday, touched a lot of books and felt wonderful. :) I like the smell of old books. :) I picked a couple of books. One was for the baby – a book which had 5 pages in cardboard paper (very important if I wanted to return the book in proper form :)) with bright colours and having pictures of animals.

The other one was for me. I wanted a story book that had a few pages so that I can complete in a couple of hours and something on the lighter side. My choice was “வாஷிங்டனில் திருமணம்” (Marriage at Washington) by Saavi. Everyone who knows Tamil would know the story and the plot. But it was wonderful to read it. Some of the translations and descriptions were hilarious :) (For example, “Umbrella chillies” for “குடை மிளகாய்” and the description of “ஜவ்வரிசி பாயசம்” were too good.) I loved it.

A weekend well spent. :) Hoping to read a lot more.

Yet another reason to thank the little wonder in my life. Thanks love!!! Cheers to more fun-filled evenings with the books. :)

Time to give blog its due

I started this blog when I was feeling very lonely. My mind was getting corrupted with self-pity and I rarely had a true conversation with anyone. I read a lot of blogs that time and thought may be I should also give it a go. The only rule I set to myself was that I should not log any negative sentiments. Little did I know that time how it is going to change my life. Yes, this blog changed me.

Every time there was something positive in life, I immediately thought I should blog this. (Well, I later realized that there is a big gap between thinking and actually writing, as my blog stats show :) ) But there was an acknowledgment that something good is happening to me and it was more than enough to sweep away the self-pity. And every time I felt lonely, I came to this blog to write something. Something to energize my mind, something to channel my mind and just to knock off any negative thoughts from my mind. After all, an idle mind is devil’s workshop.

In addition, I read a lot of blogs. It’s a pity that I comment on a very few of them. (Even in real life, it takes a long time for me to talk to a stranger. So, commenting on a stranger’s blog takes time.) But I derive a lot of support from these blogs, especially those mommy blogs. Whenever I face a problem, they have given me confidence that I am not alone and it happens to everyone. They have given me solutions on what to do. These blogs have become knowledge repositories for me.

Also, these blogs are my primary source of entertainment. With a baby at home, it is very difficult to find time to read or watch something in television leisurely. Also, the fact that I have to sleep for seven hours a day failing which my eyes irritates me. So, the only entertainment for me is these blogs. The variety in topics and the direct-from-the-heart content keeps me engaged and I thank them for that.

I have a long way to go in terms of how I want my blog to look. But I have a plan. But to implement that plan I need a minimum of 30 minutes peaceful time where I can just be with myself. But I am not going to pressurize myself right now. This time of my life is dedicated to my baby. I want to play with him and become a child once more. May be a few years down the line, when he can entertain himself without needing me, I will start implementing my plan. Until then, let me continue writing things that may not be coherent but just bits and pieces of my life.

In case you are wondering why such a post! This is my 100th post and hence dedicated to this blog. (ok ok... I know that 100 posts in 2.5 years is bad if not worse. I promise to do better :))

Swimming race...

This is the latest game at home. When my son is in high spirits, he crawls away from me, turns back and gives a smile. If I try to follow him, he swims across fast (he crawls slowly, so when he has to move fast, he starts swimming) to ensure I don’t catch hold of him.

Well…. I am wondering if this is a clue to what I can expect once he starts walking. Will we have running race at home or may be he will run away to streets and I will have to chase him….?? Interesting times for sure!!!

gawt, gawt, gawt……

If you happen to see someone who says “gawt, gawt, gawt……” continuously, please take a moment to say Hi to that person. Because, you have just met the author of this blog.

Well… that’s what my son says all day and I am repeating the same.

10 months, blood, tears and photos

Hello my boy,

Since you completed your 10th month yesterday, it’s time for a monthly update and this time there is no delay…

• The big thing this month is that your head was shaved and ears were pierced at Namakkal temple and you cried for a few minutes. What was I doing? I was busy clicking pictures. But the second both your ears were pierced, I gave the camera to the person next to me and just took you away from the crowd so that you and I can play alone. I made faces for you and within a matter of minutes your smile was back and then I posed for pictures with you :) (Others may tell you that I consoled you for taking photos, it’s not entirely true :))

• In continuation with the previous point, the day after your ears were pierced, one of your ear rings got stuck in my dress and there was blood from your ears. You cried, I cried, took you to the hospital and then to the gold smith and finally a few pieces of your ear ring was cut to ensure it will not get stuck again. :( Well… As someone who is always in control of myself especially in tough situations, I am surprised that I cried so much. Time to become tough at heart.

• If seeing blood is not enough, you fell from the cot twice and thankfully there were no injuries. :(

• You sit by yourself, which is such a relief for me. But then you just can not sit at one place for more than 30 seconds. You want to research something else and keep moving fast, losing balance and falling down. Go slow my boy! We have all the time in the world to explore :)

• You crawled for the first time on Thursday (14th July) and I loved it. Of course, after a few steps you went back to swimming, but I am sure in a few days you will be crawling fast. :)

• The time I am at home, you just want to be with me ALL the time. I am loving all the attention :) and hope I reciprocate the same unselfish love.

Luv,
Mom

PS: I scheduled this post to get published on Saturday, but blogger failed me :(

Lost and found.

Today morning, my baby woke up 4:30 a.m. Well, I knew it was coming since he slept at 8 p.m. yesterday instead of the usual 10 p.m. So, I had to wake up at 4:30 a.m. gave him a glass of milk and tried to make him sleep. After trying for 15 minutes, I gave up. He was full of energy. So, I lied next to him and closed my eyes pretending to sleep. He was playing with my face, pulling my ears, nose and trying to open my eyes. But then I was also at my sleepy best (I know such phrases do not exist, but then it sounded nice :)) So, I did not stop him and pretended to sleep. Then, as I have mentioned in my last post, he started playing with my earrings. After a few minutes, I should have slept. Because when I opened my eyes, he was tired and was lying next to me. This time I was successful in making him sleep (More like he slept by himself. But then, I am always ready to take any credit :)). I checked the time and it was 6 a.m. I thought I will sleep for an hour and set an alarm at 7 a.m.

My baby wakes up again. I get up lazily and check the time. It is 8 a.m. Oh my God! I have slept for two hours. I am thinking how am I going to complete the daily chores and leave for office. So, I pick my baby and give him to my MIL. She gives a questioning look at me and asks me where my earring is? One of my earrings is missing. As if waking up late was not enough, I searched for the ear ring everywhere. I find the front portion of the earring on the bed, but the backing of the earring is missing. Pillow, bed sheet, bed covers, bed, everything is removed and searched. After searching for 15 minutes, I find them in between two cots on the floor.

Huh…. My little baby is becoming naughtier day by day.

He is a GIRL

Yeah, my son should have been born a girl. Don’t believe me… Read on.

Whenever I pick him, he wants to see my ear rings or nose rings. He will turn my face so that he can get a good view of the ear ring. See the front side and back side of it and then pull it closer to him. At this point, I shout in pain. And he laughs :) If I move my face, he will thrust his hand on my face so that I give him a good view of the ear ring. If I still move my face, he starts looking at the nose ring and pulls it. And I give the same response – shout in pain. After a few occurrences, I decided that pain in the ear is easier to manage than pain in the nose. :(

Similarly, if I have flowers on my hair, he moves my face so that he can see it and plays with it…

I am just thinking may be God wants to fulfill my wishes for a girl through my boy. :)

Some things do not change :)

As someone who loves sports, I just do not get time to watch any sport, or any program in television. In fact I did not even watch the world cup final from the first ball to the last ball this time. And I was shouting at people who burnt crackers before my home because my baby was sleeping and I was worried he may wake up and I will have to lose my sleep. So, I was wondering if I have lost all the interest in sports. I have even stopped following the scores these days.

Today morning I was browsing all the channels trying to find out some channel which plays music so that I can feed my baby. (He loves music :)) And what do I find??? “Signature Sourav” in Star Cricket. Sourav Ganguly taking us through his first Test match at Lords. He was explaining his emotions before, during and after the play every day. Like what he felt when Azhar won the toss, when he was asked to bowl, when Nasser Hussain nicked to the first slip fielder and he got his first Test wicket, when he got Hick out, when he faced the first ball, when he reached his fifty, when Rahul reached his fifty, how went for a walk at the end of day and had a burger, when he reached century, how he was praying hard for Rahul’s century, how he felt when Rahul got out and so on. It will be an understatement if I say I was happy. I was grinning right though the program. I love Sourav and more so in that Test match. I had goose bumps watching the program. And I am so happy to know that I have not lost the interest in sports / cricket / Sourav.

I guess some things do not and can not change :)

Colour me please!!!

When I visited my parents a couple of months back, I wanted to scan all my childhood photographs so that I have a digital copy of the same. So, while searching for my photos, I saw my parents’ marriage photographs. There can be no feeling to beat the feeling of going back in time and these photos always bring a smile to my face.

My mom has a photographic face. She looks brilliant in photos. (And my dad never ceases to mention that he got fooled by those photographs :) ) In those marriage photographs, she looks beautiful in the traditional madisar. My dad looks comical in those bell-bottoms. I love these photographs. The only digression being they are in black and white.

I love black and white photographs – especially those of portraits. But a wedding snap just CAN NOT be in black and white, especially Indian weddings. The bride and groom spend hours dressing up and looking beautiful. They are in the spotlight that day. And later when they see the photographs, they would like to see how the colour of their dresses match, how the mehendi is just in the right colour, how the bride’s saree matches with her ornaments and how the groom looks like an officer in suits and just re-live that day. This cannot happen in back and white. And this is exactly what I miss when I see my parents wedding photos – the colour of their love.

Colours have a significant impact on the way we perceive things.

Which of these boxes do you think is bigger/heavier?

Most people swear the black one is bigger. In fact, they are the same size. Black is the densest colour and creates perceptions of heaviness.

Interesting Historical Note



In the 1960’s the Presidential Election in the USA was between Richard Nixon and John F Kennedy. All information suggested that the outcome of the election would be very close. The main focus of attention was a live debate on television. Richard Nixon wore a light coloured suit whereas John F Kennedy wore a dark suit. The people who listened to the debate on the radio thought the Nixon had won the discussions. On the other hand, those that watched the debate on TV (on Black and White TVs - not colour) believed emphatically that Kennedy had won. It is now believed that Kennedy looked a more prominent person because of his dark suit. Nixon’s light coloured suit made him look much smaller and less significant.

After the TV debate Kennedy took a lead in the election polls and won the Presidential Election. Is this the first time that the choice of colour has determined the leader of the Western World?

Our life is a collection of emotions just as a painting is a collection of colours. Colours are good means to convey emotions. Colours can show our love, happiness, joy, fun, laughter, sorrow, tears and silence. Colours can speak to other’s soul in so many ways.



I wish I can see a colourful wedding photograph of my parents reverberating laughter, happiness, trust, affection and love. And the fact that I have no other photo of just the two of them makes me yearn more.

This is submitted as part of Indiblogger's contest "Take Flight with Colour" which promotes HP Laserjet printers.

Images courtesy google.

It’s me everywhere!!! :)

“Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” is an old proverb. It should be reworded today as show me your gadgets and I will show you who you are. At least it is true in my case. But as someone, who doesn’t like carrying many gadgets, I pretty much use mobile and laptop for most of my needs.

Calm and Confident

I change the wallpaper of my mobile pretty regularly. But it will always be a photograph of mine. :) In fact, after my engagement my hubby, in one of those romantic moods, commented that I should change the wallpaper to his photograph. I gave such a matter-of-fact reply that I like looking at my face and will not change it. (I know stupid me :)) And only when I saw a slight disappointment in his face did I realize that it was not the correct reply in that situation.

And after my baby was born, my mom suggested that I keep one of baby’s photos as wallpaper. This time I was mature and did not reply. (Clever me :)) I thought may be I should and changed it to the baby’s photo. But somehow I did not feel comfortable and changed it to my own photograph.

And the same goes for my laptop too. The only difference being the photograph is in a black or shiny blue or maroon or orange background. (I just have a liking to some colors at different times. There is no specific reason.)

I am a confident person. I like the way I look in some photos. And let me clarify I do not look beautiful in those. I look confident, but there is also a sense of contentment and peace in my eyes. And every time I look at those photographs, I feel I am in control of my life. (You can call me self-obsessed :) )

Plan and Prepare


Also, I note down the pending activities for each day in my mobile calendar. Today’s entries read:
• Contest
• Medical
• Tax return form
• Saree
• 2 1 coin

Similarly, there will be no unnecessary or unused files or folders in my laptop. The desktop contains only the basic icons. There will be shortcuts to the often-used folders and files in the task bar.

I am an organized person. Every time I remember something to do, I immediately make a note in my mobile. It helps me in remembering things and because I look at it everyday, I tend to complete it sooner. There is always a plan in whatever I do. Sometimes, I think it adds to tension. But that’s the way I am.

Sing a Song

You can always see a minimized music player, mostly playing melodies.

Songs are my primary source of relaxation. There are times when Ilayaraja’s music acts as the peace maker after a fight at home. :)

In summary my gadgets always portray a confident person in a bright background planning a lot of things listening to music.

This entry is submitted as part of IndiBlogger's Change is Easy contest sponsored by Dell.

9 months and still swimming!

My boy,

You have completed nine months, and by now you know that your mother will be late to record this month’s progress on the blog.

• We came back to Bangalore last week. This time you became so aware of the surroundings that you knew that the house, people, climate were new and hence you did not want to leave me. The first day I could not take a day off from office and your grandmother came only at 2 p.m. You refused to be with your dad and I had a two hour long call in the morning. I still do not know how I survived that day. The same continued for another two days with you refusing to go to anyone else. Thankfully, the third day you were happy to be with your grand mother and play with her. Now, you are back at your best to flashing smiles all around. :)
• Your vocabulary has improved. In addition to Amma, appa, tha tha, va va, athhai can also be heard.
• You are not sitting with support. Neither do you crawl. The doctor wants to wait for a month before he prescribes any treatment. As for me, I know you will take your own time to do things because you are genetically tall. So, I am chilled out.
• If you continue to bite me as you do now, I may lose two kgs in a month. And I may not be thankful for that.
• You want anything and everything that I eat. I hope you have the same keenness a few months later.
• But the major thing this month is I started going to office. Of course I have not started full time yet. It’s only for a few hours now. But, the way you have taken it is absolutely brilliant. I do not know if you missed me. But when I return from office, the way you swim towards me, hold my legs tight and laugh, tells me that you are happy to see me. And with this unconditional love, you are becoming a teacher who makes me understand the important things of life.

Love you,
Mom

Amma it is!!!

No, I am not referring to the Chief Minister of Tamilnadu.

Amma is the first word that my baby spoke! YAY!!!! And for that I thank you my boy.

He was saying “mam mam” for the last few days. But I thought it could either mean amma or food (we call it mammu in Tamil). So, I waited. And then you said ammmmmma. Yesterday finally you came to me in full speed shouting “amma”. I am thrilled.

This is exactly the motivation I need.

Love you my boy!!!!

Beauty lies in the joy of living!

Have you ever wondered why some people look beautiful and make us smile involuntarily? We may not know them. They may not even be looking at us. But with their sheer presence, they can make you smile. There should be something beautiful in them that the heart recognizes and makes us smile. What is it?

The joy of living. A joyful heart always has a cheerful face and that joy becomes contagious.



Everyone find kids beautiful, isn’t it? They make us smile immediately. They smile, laugh, play and cry and take us through all the emotions. But at the end of the day, we smile looking at their sleeping face. What makes us smile?

The joy of living. Kids live in the present.



Everyone find the first drops of rain, the gentle breeze, the river flowing gently, soothing music or a bird flying high beautiful. We all smile at those things. What makes us smile?

The joy of living. These gentle things are nature’s reminders to enjoy the simple pleasures of living.

And that to me is real beauty – The joy of living.

Everyone's life has peaks and valleys. What is good about life is as genuine as what is bad and, therefore, deserves equal attention. Consider each one of them as an experience that makes you better. Enjoy every single moment of life. Present is more important than the future. Do not sacrifice the present for the future. It creates emptiness in life.

Once you enjoy the present, everything in life will look beautiful and your heart will feel light and energetic. Remember the sunset is as beautiful as the sunrise.

This is my entry for the contest - What does real beauty mean to you?
For more details, click here.




Images courtesy google

8 months and settlement of a debate!

As always, I am late in writing this. I really feel bad that I am not writing those moments that made me go “wow”. But with work at office at its absolute worst, I don’t think I can do any better.

My boy,

Let me see how much you have grown from last month:

• Your mom traveled by train just thrice, before she was married. But, you are traveling every month. Eighth month saw you traveling to Madurai. We visited Thirumogur, Kalazhagar, koodal azhagar and Meenakshi Amman temples. You were so happy to see new places. And you slept wherever you could. I just thank my stars for blessing me with an easy-to-maintain child. *TOUCHWOOD*

• I am really confused if you have stranger anxiety or not. With some people, you smile happy and with some others you cry your heart out. (Just for records, let me add that you crying at your paternal relatives has got nothing to do with me. Really!!!)

• You have started moving now, which means anything that is kept on the floor becomes your toy and all your toys are in a corner. You have a liking towards mobile phones, laptops, remotes and all the electronic items, just proving that you are born in 21st century.

• Feeding you is becoming a challenge that none in the house want to face. :( But I also love the sounds you make when we give you water or kanji. Totally adorable!

• You have five teeth now and I have too many marks of them on my skin.

• Looks like the debate on whom you resemble is finally settled. Your face is like me (YAY!!!!) . Just in case you are interested you know, the judgement was given last week by one of the relatives, who said, “The baby looked like his father on birth. But his mom has changed the baby’s face by hitting him and making it round”. I still can not believe I smiled at the comment, when I was fuming inside.

• Working at home is becoming extremely difficult especially when you come to me fast and smile and lift your hands asking me to carry and I have a meeting to attend at exactly the same time. :( My heart is split into two on most days! But I love the fact that you are happy when I am with you! And that’s what matters the most.

Love,
Mum

Daily Laughter

I am very busy working on a project that had to be delivered today. The project is for an Australian client. The lead in Australia asks me if I can work late in the night and am thinking what to answer and how to avoid it.

Exactly at that time, my mom sits next to me and I tell her that my lead wants me to work late in the night. Pat comes her reply….

“Appa mathiyanam naan thoongitu varen sollitu poi paduthuko.” ["Tell them then that you will sleep in the afternoon and go lie down"]

I could not control my laughter. Imagine what would have happened if I had told the same. :)

And for the records let me also add that finally I said okay to the lead. :(

Alone in a crowd

Today I miss going to office so much!!!

Nope… there is nothing exciting happening in office. But I face days like these once in a while. These are days when I wake up and I am not normal. I don’t want to speak to anyone and generally want to be alone – No emails, no conversations, no phone calls. At home, this is just becoming totally impossible. I am sure if I say I want to be alone and ask someone to take care of my baby, there would be "deadly eyes" at me. :)

Earlier I used to go to office, complete all my work earlier and just go to some place and spend an hour’s time all alone. I would go to the terrace and keep looking at the clouds sipping a cup of coffee or visit some temple and just spend time or visit a theater with no interest in movie but no conversation with anyone. There will be people around me, but that did not matter as long as no one tried to speak to me. I can be alone in a crowd. And after an hour or so, I would be my usual self. Does this happen to everyone? I do not know because I do not speak about this to anyone. (Interesting how it is easier to blog about the same) I consider this a very private space, where there is no one in my life except me and I speak to myself.

Today is one such day. Right from the time I woke up, I am not feeling comfortable doing anything and just want to sit alone. But with a baby at home, it is just not possible to be alone for a few minutes. How I wish I went to office today and finished off my work before going to some place.

Ok… Got to go now. My son is awake, after sleeping for full ten minutes. :)

Superwoman, Chennai and 7 months

It’s been more than 15 days since I posted. Everyday, I think I should complete a post today. But somehow as the day progresses, this becomes the last in my to-do list and hence is postponed for next day. You can call me lazy here and I will accept without giving any arguments. I am becoming lazy. :)

So, what’s happening in my life?

My MIL, who was with me and helping me take care of the baby, returned home due to some health issues in the family with plan to come back in few days. Unfortunately, the few days became more than a week. I thought I am a superwoman, a supermom, a super-wife and all that and took care of the house, baby, office work with no help – no maid (I hate being dependent on maid) and no MIL. I should say I did a good job of it, given that the baby was never starved and there was no fight with the husband (partially because he offered help even before I asked and I thank him for that :)) and there were no escalations at office. Now, before you also think that I am a superwoman, supermom, super-wife and all that – let me just add that the only person who suffered was ME. My health went down and I was having terrible body pain which progressed to fever in a couple of days. So, as every other woman would have done, I came back to my trusted place – My home in Chennai. It’s great to be with parents.

Lat weekend, I went to Parthasarathy Temple. It’s really disheartening to see the extent of commercialization happening in the temple. They have taken off the 10Rs. Ticket and replaced with 20 Rs. There are boards everywhere giving the bank account details in case you wish you to transfer money. I have no idea why all this is happening. I am sure the temple is one of the richest temples in the city, if not the richest. So, why ask for more money. I hope all this does not take away the peace I get from going there.

Also, went to T.Nagar after a long time. The place has changed, what with all these new flyovers. But few things have not changed – the crowd and the parking difficulties. I was standing outside one of those famous shops, while my father tried to park his vehicle. There were a bunch of guys who were waiting for someone and below is the conversation that took place.

Guy 1: “ஏன் டா இங்க wait பண்றோம்.”
Guy 2: “இரு டா”
Guy 1: “அவள நீ அந்த பக்கம் தான டா வர சொன்ன”
Guy 2: “இரு டா”
Guy 1: “சரி அப்ப நான் களம்பறேன். நீ பொறுமையா பேசிட்டு வா.”
Guy 2: “கோச்சிக்காத டா. அவள அந்த பக்கம் தான் வர சொல்லிர்கேன். but அவ வந்து என்ன தேடுவா ல. அத பாக்கணும் டா.”
Guy 1 hits his head with his hand….

I could not stop smiling…

In other news, my baby boy completed 7 months last week. I take a look at the post that I wrote when you had completed six months and few things are still the same.

• He still does not move, especially when you ask him to do so. He will move a few inches when something interests him (mostly to pull the data cable of my laptop) else he is happy to be at the same place.

• The debate on whom he resembles is till on. Lesser said, the better.

• He still communicates in terms of ooh and aah… no definite words or sounds yet.

The latest developments are these.

He really is a smart boy, I tell you. Since he does not move, if any toy of his goes beyond the reach of his hands, he will stretch his hands a few times to get that toy. Once he knows that he cannot reach by himself, what does he do? He will look around and whoever sits nearer to him, he will flash a beautiful smile at him, which actually means – “I smiled at you. Can you please get me the toy as a favor in return?” Pretty smart (and lazy as my dad calls him)!!!

When I actually play with him, he laughs from the stomach. It’s a whole hearted laugh and it continues for a few minutes. Oh man…. It is just wonderful to watch that innocent laughter. The world looks a beautiful place in those times.

He is becoming naughtier day by day. When I give him water, he goggles the water and laughs at the sounds he can make. Similarly when I feed him kanji, he tries to make all sorts of sounds with the kanji in the mouth, which results in the kanji splashing all over my face. :(

I can see two tiny tooth today morning. :) I hope that will make him speak a few words.

Looking forward to fun filled moments.

தூங்கும் அழகினை

"தூங்கும் அழகினை
பார்த்து ரசித்திட... இரவெல்லாம் கண்விழித்து கிடப்பேனே..." *

I felt the same yesterday.

After a long struggle my baby slept and I was lying next to him watching the innocent face. Few minutes later, the baby opened his eyes, looked at me, gave a pleasant smile and then went back to sleep. And I kept on smiling.

Let me also record that yesterday was just a one-off day. In other days, I am asleep the next minute the baby sleeps. Yes, that’s reality.

* From "Oru Maalai" song in Ghajini

Don't speak please!!!

I have no idea what goes in the minds of the directors, who direct Tamil serials. I am watching these serials for the past one month, thanks to the people in the house. I listen to the title music of each serial and I really like them. I ignore everybody in this world, including my mom, and listen to the music and I am happy.

But my happiness lasts only for a few minutes. The moment I hear the dialogues my mood changes. What do these people think? They all fight, shout and then sit together and cry. The same continues for a few minutes. And thankfully, advertisement appears. I am sure I am the only person who appreciates these ads. Again, the title music plays and I am happy!

The same repeats every day from 7:30 p.m. to 9.00 p.m.

The above words will be spoken by the six month old baby at home in a few years. He loves the title music of the serials but the moment dialogues appear, he gives an expression of total despair. I wish to capture that someday!! :)

6 months!

My boy,

I just realized you complete six months today! SIX FULL MONTHS…. I just can’t believe I took care of a baby for six complete months (of course, with due credits to the grandparents). It’s quite unbelievable you know – my baby boy is six months old. At the same time when I see you, I also think how fast you are growing up. I already have so many clothes that do not fit you anymore.

I was filled with immense guilt for taking you away from your doting maternal grand parents and uncle. All your relatives are in Chennai and they all visit you every week and make you laugh like crazy. But, that’s how life is. So, I brought you to Bangalore, where all you can see is just me and your dad and your paternal grand mother. But now, I am totally motivated to use MY time with you qualitatively.

You have been a wonderful baby so far. *A BIG KAALA TIKKA* When I hear stories from friends about babies who wake up at 1:30 AM or who need to be kept in arms all through the night or who are afraid at the slightest of sounds or who seem to get some infection or the other, I send a quiet thank you note above. You are easy to manage.

I was afraid of travelling with you for five days continuously visiting some relative or a temple. I was afraid that your routine may get affected, you might become clingy, or you might catch some infection. But, I need not have worried. You were happy to look at the outside world and when you felt bored, you slept on my lap. I am thankful for that.

You have yet not started moving which is slightly disappointing to me. I will have to leave you and go to office in a couple of months. (GOSH… I can’t even think about that) So, please start moving early so that I can enjoy this time with you, playing with you and chasing you. Please-oh-please!!!

The debate on whom you resemble will never end, I think. There are many who tell me that you resemble me and there are a few (ok. ok more than a few) who say you resemble your dad. I really want to put an end to it. (Of course, you look like ME :))

There is just one request that I want to ask…
You know what, we have a big bed. But, I get a little more than a couple of inches to sleep. For someone who is as BIG as your mom, this is very little. So, stop moving in rounds during your sleep so that your mom can at least sleep on one side and not be afraid of falling off.

Finally, just like you do, keep smiling at your mom every time she looks at you and you can be sure all your needs and wishes will be taken care. :)

Love,
Mom

Innocence untouched

Last week, a lady came to my home to take some survey on products that people use. Her face was quite unique. There was very little skin in the neck and when she spoke it was as if the skin from her face was stretched to reach the body. It looked as if a few strings were connecting her face to the body and the strings moved as she spoke.

As she was speaking, I was wondering what deficiency she might have and does it actually cause any pain.

And what was the reaction of the almost 6 month infant?

Laughter.

Sometimes, life is just so simple. We tend to complicate it by looking at irrelevant things and forgetting the one that is most simple.

Musical Mother

Celebrating " FemInspiration" 100 years of celebrating Women's day. My entry for the same.

In this fast age when people hate to wait for anything and shift jobs ten times in five years to fasten their career growth, I am fortunate to meet women, who have tremendous patience and confidence, a combination which is becoming increasingly difficult to see. These are the women who recognize the difficulties ahead, who know that overcoming those difficulties will take years together, yet are prepared to face them without thinking about the final result.

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, after becoming a mother, my respect towards all the mothers and women in general, has increased tremendously. But, when I look at mothers of special children, I lose control over my emotions and my eyes become wet.

During my school holidays, I used to go to my uncle’s home for holidays. He lived in an apartment. My uncle’s neighbor was a college lecturer and had an awesome sense of humor. He would make me laugh for hours continuously. His wife sang so beautifully. She gave concerts and played Veena and her voice was totally mesmerizing. They had a daughter and a son. They surely looked happy and were always enthusiastic about life. At that young age, I thought they were all lucky to be happy always. (Not that I had any problems. But you know – Grass is greener on the other side :))

One day, when I was having dinner at my uncle’s home, there was a knock on the door. My uncle opened the door and the neighbor’s son came running inside, started shouting gibberish, behaved very different, and slapped me. I was puzzled and shocked. That is when I realized that the child had mental problems. He would start behaving abnormally some times and he would not stop until all his energy was exhausted.

That’s when I started looking at their family a little closer. Beneath all their happiness, I could also see their determination to create a positive atmosphere at home. In the morning, the aunt would teach her son Mridangam to channelize his energy. He did not go to school. So, she taught him lessons at home. She would prepare special dishes for him – all suggested by Ayurvedic doctors – which would take so much effort. She will never leave him alone. She will keep speaking to him, making him laugh. She would play simple games with him to develop his mind. In the evening, she will take him to the concerts she performed so that he got used to outside world.

And the best part was – She did all this every single day with no complaints or worries. She would also take good care of her daughter. She taught her Veena. Whenever I went to their home, she would speak to me so enthusiastically and would ask me about my day. She would include me in the games that she played with her son. When it was time for me to leave my uncle’s home, she would always gift me with something or the other.

Every summer, as I visited my uncle’s home, I was truly inspired. I could see the boy getting matured. The family atmosphere never changed. In fact it got better with the aunt and her daughter singing and playing Veena and the son accompanying them in Mridangam. Their major success came when he was admitted into a top school in sixth standard. Today, he is a graduate and plays Mridangam for top musicians in the city.

I keep thinking…….

How easy it would be to just complain about the child?

How easy it would be to take care of the child and forget everything else?

How easy it would be to just take care of his physical health and not the mental health?

How easy it would be to just think about family and forget the neighborhood kid?

How easy it would be to just let the neighborhood kid play with her son and forget her?

How easy it would be to keep the child in the home and cut off the external world?

And

How tough it should have been to accept that the kid is mentally challenged?

How tough it should have been to understand his needs?

How tough it should have been to visit multiple doctors – allopathy to ayurveda – and do every single thing that would help the kid?

How tough it should have been to live in an apartment with kids of the same age and understand the difference?

How tough it should have been for the couple to motivate themselves every single day to keep a positive home atmosphere?

How tough it should have been for her to teach him simple things that others perform so naturally?

How tough it should have been to come up with ideas to train the little mind?

She is truly a courageous woman – one who faced the challenge heads on with loads of patience, determination, and confidence, and changed the destiny of the child.

Men are what their mothers made them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I realise....

Its more difficult to take a grand son away from grand parents than leaving your parents...
How should I react if all my relatives call me and cry over phone because I am taking away their loved grand son to Bangalore today?

Let me also add, these are the people who did not cry during my marriage.

Its even more difficult as I know that these grand parents love my son and will take care of him better than me.

I just hope I come back to Chennai soon and let my son enjoy their love and affection.

Being good is not enough

I got my appraisal today at work and I have been given “average” rating. There is a slight pain in the heart as I see it. Having been first in college and school, and having performed well in my first organization, I feel bad to get an average rating.

Suppose if I evaluate myself, this year I have been good at the jobs allocated to me. I have performed them to the best of my ability and the requestors have been happy. And that’s where it stops. I have not done anything beyond that. No initiatives taken. No new ideas contributed. I have also not attended any workshops / group activities. And since I had taken four months of maternity leave, I had also missed out on trainings and other new initiatives. So, I guess average is a fair assessment.

I think it is also a good time for me to answer a few questions about my career.

-> What is that you want from your career? Is it just the salary?

Definitely not. I want to take up challenging assignments, work on them, complete them successfully, and feel satisfied about my work.

-> With the above answer, you are aiming only for average rating even next year. Because until you contribute more than what is required, you can not obtain higher ratings. What is your take?

Correct. I should come out of my comfort zone and try to look for ways to improve myself and team. Let me think about these and develop a plan.

-> Do I have any long term goal?

Not really. I have never been someone who set long term goals.

-> What do I want to do the next year? Do I want to continue doing the same or I would like to grow into newer roles?

Well, this is the toughest question to answer. With a baby, I have no clue how much time I will be able to devote to my work.

Ideally next year I would like to be good at my job but also be proactive in identifying areas of improvement, finding ways to deliver more value to the team and be a team player. I hope this is a realistic target for me and I will be able to balance work and family.

-> How long do I plan to work from home?

I should motivate myself to be back in work as soon as possible. From April, I should be able to go back to office. Of course, this would mean I sort out a lot of personal issues and establish a strong support system at home. This is a big challenge and I hope things fall in place.

So, the action now is to constantly look for ways to improve and be proactive.

When will all these stop??

One of my aunt’s friends is a single mother, who lives in a good residential locality in Chennai. Her daughter studies in X standard in a leading school in Chennai.

A month back, the girl came home from school with very high fever. She did not speak to anyone, did not eat, and looked petrified. In spite of giving her antibiotics, the fever did not subside. When she had 104 degrees for four days continuously, her mother called my aunt and asked her what to do. My aunt tried to speak to the girl and ask her what happened. The girl did not respond. My aunt asked her mom to stay outside and asked the girl what had happened after giving her confidence that she will support her completely. And this is what the girl has said.

The physical trainer of the school has misbehaved with the girl. You know what would have happened. I don’t need to explain it. When my aunt told the girl’s mother, she just broke down. The next day she went to the school and told them what had happened. Looks like, the teachers already knew that the girl had a problem with PT class. She used to cry not to attend the class and would prefer writing her home work. And the teachers have forced her to attend the class. Irresponsible teachers they are! Couldn’t they think straight and ask what had happened? And if the girl was afraid, could not they inform the same to parents. And the school management has said they will take extra care of the girl, but can not do anything else since the reputation of the school will get affected. The mother has decided to change the school next year since this year she had board exams.

When will all these stop? I am sure most of the women would have faced such physical trainers or teachers or office colleagues or bus conductors or co-passengers or such perverts on the road. I have faced them and I am sure most of the women would have. Some women have the strength to stare at them, to shout at them, to slap them, to spray pepper on them, to pinch them with safety pin, to hit them with their shoes or what not.

But some women are like the girl in this case. I personally know the mom and the girl. Both are very beautiful. They are very soft-spoken people. The girl’s mom faced lot of physical and psychological troubles in her marriage before she came out of it. And because of her beauty, she still has problems from other men who try to marry her and keep troubling her. So, naturally they try to avoid strangers and are very reserved. Hence, it needed a lot of effort to make the girl open her heart. Sad but true!

How can parents avoid such situations? Listed below are few points that I can think. Please let me know your thoughts!

• Select a school closer to home. That gives the child immense confidence and will avoid most of these issues.
• Drop and pick up the child yourself or ask your relative or neighbor to do so. Invariably, the sight of a parent in school will stop these. Also, it gives you a chance to know the children and their environment.
• Know all the teachers so that your child knows that you will speak to the teacher whenever any problem occurs.
• Allow your child’s friends to come home. You can learn a lot about the school from their conversation.
• Educate the child to protect herself. There is no point in being afraid.